Sugar, Spice, & Bondage : Curating Your Sexual Palette

What kind of stuff are you into? It might seem like a simple question, but if you’re not prepared, it can stop you in your tracks. 

Not knowing what you want in the bedroom is totally normal. Many of us struggle to get the taste of sexual shame out of our mouths. When you combine a handful of cultural influences, a healthy dose of heteronormativity, and a sprinkling of misogyny, you’re left with have a great recipe for confusion when it comes to your true desires. 

But it doesn’t have to be this way; you don’t have to keep following a recipe that was written for someone else. It might take some time to figure out which spices and flavours are right for you, but making the effort to do so can make your sex life much more rewarding. 

Regardless of your sexual orientation or gender, everyone’s sexual palette is unique. You might come up with your menu quickly, or it might take a bit longer. And don’t be surprised if your tastes change over time — desires evolve as we grow. 
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Here are a few strategies to help you figure out what you really want from your sex life. 

Let go of what you don’t want 

This might seem like a given, but it’s an important first step. If you’ve been sticking to sexual scripts that are just not doing it for you, you might have to spend some time figuring out what parts of your recipe aren’t working and crossing them off your list. Think of it as clearing space out on your pantry to make room for the spices that you actually do want. 
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Masturbate without porn 

If you tend to watch a lot of porn, it can subconsciously pre-program you to want (or think you want) certain things. Of course, this depends on the type of porn you watch. That’s not to say that porn is evil in any way, but if you’re struggling to figure out what you like it might be a good idea to drown out the noise. 
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Try masturbating using only your imagination and see what comes to mind. What scenarios come up? Who is there? What kinds of actions are you doing? It might take some practice, but this exercise could give you some important clues. Be open to surprises!

List your yeses, nos, and maybes 

This exercise will help you categorise how you feel about specific sex acts. On a sheet of paper, make three columns: one for yes, one for no, and one for maybe. Then, go through as many sex acts as you can think of. Do you know you like oral sex? Put it in the yes column. Do you think “hell no” when you picture yourself in handcuffs? Then that goes in the “no” column. 
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If you find that you run out of things, some research could be helpful. Explore different kinks and sex positions through porn, the written word, and anything else you can find. Everytime time you come across something you didn’t know about before, take a minute to reflect and then put it in the appropriate column. 

Write your own erotica 

Writing your own fantasies could be a great way to explore your sexuality through creativity. You could write it as a story or as a letter to your crush confessing everything you want to do with them. Don’t overthink it — just start writing and lose yourself in the fantasy. Let your imagination take you into steamy scenarios you never knew you wanted. 

Listen to what your body wants 
Whether we find them neat and proper or shameful and disgusting, we don’t choose our desires. Most likely, your body already knows what you want. If you’re able to relax and tune in, it will tell you. 

Of course, that’s easier said than done. 

Letting go of the shame and the “shoulds” will turn the volume down on your thoughts, which will allow your body to relax and give you signals you can understand. 

Learn more about sex

Sometimes, we don’t know what we want simply because we haven’t been given enough options. Although there is porn for women and queer people, most of the porn you stumble upon on the internet can give you inaccurate representation of what sex is really like. Porn can be helpful in some ways, but probably not as an educational tool. 

Luckily, the internet is full of sex-positive websites, publications, and youtube channels that educate people in an inclusive and non-judgemental way. Learning about the infinite possibilities of human sexuality can help you leave shame behind and break away from the restrictive scripts we’re all given for sex.